swaying grass [entries|friends|calendar] kaitlyn. [ website | it's sorta like life... ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[17 Aug 2020|12:56pm]   credit to blackxlullaby my name is kaitlyn and this journal contains all of me it may be locked but i always love new friends leave me a comment, let me know how you found me or if we have anything in common and 98.27% of the time i'll add you right back=) 77 comments|post comment

[06 Jan 2011|08:27pm] i want to rip up all the drawings all the papers the art that i had failed at i want to run outside scream and cry and fall into the ground at it's mercy i want to lay still look at the sky for hours on end and do nothing i want to close my eyes think of something happy and pretend this didn't happen andrew and i broke up. life, please give me some answers now. 1 comment|post comment

[25 Dec 2010|01:37pm] “Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” -Roald Dahl today i looked at pictures of myself and for the first time in a long time, i thought i was beautiful. i love christmas. we are watching different versions of the nutcracker and they are all lovely. post comment

[07 Dec 2010|06:27pm] [ mood | calm ] two things happened as i left the library that reminded me of how the simple things people do or interact with you can really make a person's day. as i was checking out some books on knitting and some reading book, the older woman talked to me about knitting. she was super kind and she had a look of hope in her eyes. she asked me about my mittens knitted by sarah and she reminded me that being paranoid to be in public is silly. i walked into the cold, all bundled up and with my books huddled close. i was alexis from the theatre and we talked for a bit. i don't know why, but it was just really nice. tonight i am reading, working on church slides, drink diet coke and eating a day old sandwich, a banana and apple slices. i feel okay right now. 1 comment|post comment

[14 Sep 2010|06:16pm] [ mood | intimidated ] i'm sad a lot. andrew and i have been fighting a lot. i feel so unsure about so many things now. tonight i must study for a test and work on my oil color painting. i'm ready to get better. oh i want to get better. i just wanna feel good about myself again. i don't even feel beautiful anymore my knee has been killing me. i wish i never got hit by that car. my financial aid should be coming in thursday. it'll will be very nice to have money to buy shampoo and conditioner with. nothing makes any sense anymore. i forgot how to write. 2 comments|post comment

[27 Aug 2010|12:24pm] it's week one and i'm already overwhelmed. time organization is that that easy. for me at least. post comment

[13 Jul 2010|11:13am] i really could be great. i really could. i know i can do it. maybe i just need more help. post comment

[03 Jul 2010|01:01am] today was simply wonderful. i've failed to actually write what's going on in life. instead, all i've written is little one-five sentence entries that somewhat thought-provoking...but not really. kaitlyn's life thus far: (in which i'm anticipating this to be a long entry.) when i thought that i was going to turn myself around this past semester, i didn't, not fully anyway. i ended up doing poorly in my classes again and i have to retake a course. i can't keep doing so bad in class. it's money down the drain. money that i don't have. i thought majoring in graphic design was going to be so much better. and it is, in some ways. since i'm technically an art major, with graphic design emphasis these prereq courses for art. like, drawing, 2D design, 3D design, etc. i loved 2D design. doing art in photoshop and illustrator and working with photography were things i enjoyed learning about and doing. and i was pretty good at it. but when it came to 3D, i just didn't understand. i get so freaked out and scared about asking for help that i end up not asking and it kills me. i have to retake 3D next semester. it's with a different teacher...so hopefully that will work to my advantage. another thing i've been thinking about recently is if college is actually right for me. i still don't know the answer to that question. but for now, i'm sticking with it. i have a really awesome guy named andrew, which happens to be the name of my brother, but whatever. this boy is so amazing. all those entries about boys i've dated in the past? andrew blow them all out of the water. i could go on and on about how delightful and remarkable he is (i probably will in the future) but for now, i just love him. the best part is, that we got into an argument/fight the other night. and he didn't break up with me because it was too hard. we worked it out and talked. and we are fine now. he is much clingier than boyfriends past. it was a weird transition to go from alex, who i only saw for a day an a half last summer and a few times a week during the school year, to andrew, who i see practically every day at school and almost once a week this summer. i like it for the most part. and he understands that sometimes i need my space. which is why i like this summer. i really want to get into html and web design here soon. i want to use my web design and graphic design together. i would adore doing photography as well. but until i get a new camera, those dreams are still far away.  i've changed a lot this semester. for the better. lovely miss sarah holman invited me to the wesley one night with her and i've loved it there ever since. i don't go to parties anymore or partake in any festivities that go on at said parties. i one don't have time or money for that stuff nor do i feel the need or desire to do it anymore. my roommate caitlin ended up calling me a bitch and defriended me on facebook (real mature, i know). i hate where i'm living. my roommates smoke pot in the house, have parties constantly, don't do their dishes or clean up the main living area after themselves. and the fact that i've never disliked anyone as much as i dislike caitlin, i just need to get away from the house. but unfortunately, i am on the lease for another year and i cannot get out of it. my hopes are that i will find someone to sublease for me in the spring and i can just live on campus again for a semester. i would really be okay with that. speaking of the house, i'm currently staying there in charleston this summer. i'm working at panther dining and taking a drawing class. both suck. i really would rather be staying in my lovely home in mahomet with my family. i don't hate it so much, but this is probably one of the crappiest summers i've had in a while. some days end up being terrible for me. to the point where i just hate myself and all that good stuff. i probably need to see a counselor. my friend heath and i were talking and he said it sounded like i have depression. and i'm scared that whatever is going on with me is actually depression.  i like making lists. my hair is starting to finally get long. and i like it. and hi. this is me as of late.  2 comments|post comment

[24 Jun 2010|04:39am] i just wanna be better maybe i'm slowly getting there post comment

[19 Jun 2010|08:56pm] my room is messy i have to work on some contour line drawings i wish i could actually draw and andrew has left. to go back to lincoln and leaving me with the memory of the best three days ever. i want to spend forever with him post comment

[11 Jun 2010|09:43am] he looked over me and asked what was wrong. his loving eyes full of emotion looked down on my sprawled out body on the bed. the only sound that was heard between the both of us was the roaring of the floor fan meant to keep us cold. comfortable. no one else could hear what i heard. my screaming mind. all i could tell him was that i'm fine, don't worry about me. "kaitlyn, you're not yourself. you've been sad. what's wrong?" i hesitated. "i'm fine." "you promise?" "i'm okay, don't worry about me," i said more quickly than i should, although, it was probably not as convincing as i hoped. he looked at me ever so painfully, a one last look, and walked out. he didn't say good night or i love you. i couldn't muster the words to him, "i hate myself. i hate who i am. i think i might be depressed." and as i fell asleep, tears rolled down my face and i whispered to myself, "there you go, ruining a good thing again." 1 comment|post comment

[04 Jun 2010|06:19pm] [ mood | confused ] lately i've been asking myself if college is really right for me... i love doing graphic design...but sometimes i just don't know. this thought keeps going through my head that maybe i should take a year off from eastern and get a full time job...college is getting expensive and i'm frankly not doing that well in classes. i feel myself becoming sad all the time and while talking to my friend heath a few weeks ago he said it sounded like i was depressed, which scares the living daylights out of me. i'm smart...just. i don't like where i am right now. i don't know what my options are. i'm so confused with life. dear lord, what is your will for me? what am i supposed to be doing? and if i drop out/take some time off from school...is that giving up? 1 comment|post comment

[04 Jun 2010|05:53pm] bp, this crude joke has gone on long enough. post comment

[02 Jun 2010|06:41pm] i'm worried because if i can't even love myself, how am i supposed to love anyone else? 1 comment|post comment

[01 Jun 2010|08:30pm] i don't think anyone realizes that for a while now, after my parents drop me off at charleston, i cry when they leave. 1 comment|post comment

[01 Jun 2010|01:18pm] sweet jesus, i can make rent this month! post comment

[01 Jun 2010|08:35am] [ mood | confused ] i'm choosing a new mood theme. i can either have jurassic park, teen girl squad or the office. i have no idea which one i'm going to choose. 1 comment|post comment

[30 May 2010|11:54pm] [ mood | anxious ] if i can do one thing each week to improve my life...then maybe slowly but surely, my life will get better. this week...get 8 hours of sleep each night. and a 20 minute nap each day. and also, drink water when i wake up and before meals. maybe that will curb my hunger. plus i need to drink more water anyways. in other news, i can almost sit cross legged again...with the exception that the bruises are so bad on the back of my knee that it would hurt to do so. but maybe my knee will be all right. honestly, i like the attention i get from it. but it's only gratifying for a short time. tomorrow i get to see my beloved. we are driving up to clinton to have lunch with his family. oh happy day. i don't want to go back to charleston. i want to stay in mahomet all summer long. post comment

[30 May 2010|12:46am] i think he is saving my life. 3 comments|post comment

things that are on my mind [30 May 2010|12:43am] [ mood | complacent ] i don't like myself. physically and mentally. i don't want to change, i just am longing to be a better me. i miss my boy. sometimes, i wish the world could just be the two of us. i hate that i have to live in 2002 12th street again this next year. i honestly think that my living situation this past year made me want to get away from theatre. i know i can do better i forgot that i had your facebook status updates sent to my phone. my heart wrenches a little bit when i see your name there. you never really cared that much, did you? i love this house. the familiar smell. the familiar noises. everything. i don't want to grow up. i think i have peter pan syndrome. i wish i was staying in mahomet this summer instead of charleston. i should have taken time to stop at that crosswalk to make sure the girl wasn't going to turn on red. then, my knee wouldn't be screwed up. i need to form better habits. sufjan stevens is everything i love about music. i constantly wonder why i am always tired. i really do believe something is wrong with me. i love how much andrew really loves me. this man is so special to me. and he can almost see the real me. almost. is it weird to say that i believe he is the one? i find myself having no doubts about him. i'm not settling. not like i did with alex. i am constantly trying to organise my life. it never is organised. i've always liked list. can i really improve this summer? or will it be like every other time?  i like that i have jesus. yes, jesus loves me. 1 comment|post comment

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