i know i haven't written in here for a long time.
but i need to write in some where i can get all my thoughts down.
maybe not all, but at least this one for now.
i love tanner.
he's a typical guy and doesn't know what to do when it comes to consoling me if i'm upset.
and that's fine. i just have to remember that and not get upset by that.
but i don't like how things got turned around and i ended up feeling like the bad guy.
that makes me more upset, to be honest.
i can't stand hurting people. i just took a personality test and we've been talking about this very thing.
i'd rather sacrifice myself getting hurt than to let those i care about be hurt.
someday this is going to kill me.
i am terrible at long distance relationships.
but i love him with practically everything i've got. i wouldn't go through all this if i didn't feel this way.
i want to rip up all the drawings
all the papers
the art that i had failed at
i want to run outside
scream and cry
and fall into the ground at it's mercy
i want to lay still
look at the sky for hours on end
and do nothing
i want to close my eyes
think of something happy
and pretend this didn't happen
andrew and i broke up.
life, please give me some answers now.
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” -Roald Dahl
today i looked at pictures of myself and for the first time in a long time, i thought i was beautiful.
i love christmas. we are watching different versions of the nutcracker and they are all lovely.
two things happened as i left the library that reminded me of how the simple things people do or interact with you can really make a person's day.
as i was checking out some books on knitting and some reading book, the older woman talked to me about knitting. she was super kind and she had a look of hope in her eyes. she asked me about my mittens knitted by sarah and she reminded me that being paranoid to be in public is silly.
i walked into the cold, all bundled up and with my books huddled close. i was alexis from the theatre and we talked for a bit. i don't know why, but it was just really nice.
tonight i am reading, working on church slides, drink diet coke and eating a day old sandwich, a banana and apple slices.
i feel okay right now.
it's week one and i'm already overwhelmed.
time organization is that that easy.
for me at least.
i really could be great.
i really could.
i know i can do it. maybe i just need more help.
i just wanna be better
maybe i'm slowly getting there