yeah yeah

(no subject)

credit to blackxlullaby

my name is kaitlyn
and this journal contains all of me
it may be locked but
i always love new friends
leave me a comment, let me know how you found me or if we have anything in common
and 98.27% of the time i'll add you right back=)

yeah yeah

(no subject)

i know i haven't written in here for a long time.
but i need to write in some where i can get all my thoughts down.
maybe not all, but at least this one for now.

i love tanner.
he's a typical guy and doesn't know what to do when it comes to consoling me if i'm upset.
and that's fine. i just have to remember that and not get upset by that.

but i don't like how things got turned around and i ended up feeling like the bad guy.
that makes me more upset, to be honest.
i can't stand hurting people. i just took a personality test and we've been talking about this very thing.
i'd rather sacrifice myself getting hurt than to let those i care about be hurt.

someday this is going to kill me.

i am terrible at long distance relationships.
but i love him with practically everything i've got. i wouldn't go through all this if i didn't feel this way.
  • Current Mood
    drained drained
yeah yeah

(no subject)

i want to rip up all the drawings
all the papers
the art that i had failed at

i want to run outside
scream and cry
and fall into the ground at it's mercy

i want to lay still
look at the sky for hours on end
and do nothing

i want to close my eyes
think of something happy
and pretend this didn't happen

andrew and i broke up.
life, please give me some answers now.
yeah yeah

(no subject)

“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” -Roald Dahl

today i looked at pictures of myself and for the first time in a long time, i thought i was beautiful.
i love christmas. we are watching different versions of the nutcracker and they are all lovely.
yeah yeah

(no subject)

two things happened as i left the library that reminded me of how the simple things people do or interact with you can really make a person's day.

as i was checking out some books on knitting and some reading book, the older woman talked to me about knitting. she was super kind and she had a look of hope in her eyes. she asked me about my mittens knitted by sarah and she reminded me that being paranoid to be in public is silly.

i walked into the cold, all bundled up and with my books huddled close. i was alexis from the theatre and we talked for a bit. i don't know why, but it was just really nice.

tonight i am reading, working on church slides, drink diet coke and eating a day old sandwich, a banana and apple slices.

i feel okay right now.
yeah yeah

(no subject)

i'm sad a lot.
andrew and i have been fighting a lot.
i feel so unsure about so many things now.

tonight i must study for a test and work on my oil color painting.

i'm ready to get better. oh i want to get better.
i just wanna feel good about myself again.

i don't even feel beautiful anymore

my knee has been killing me.
i wish i never got hit by that car.

my financial aid should be coming in thursday. it'll will be very nice to have money to buy shampoo and conditioner with.

nothing makes any sense anymore. i forgot how to write.
  • Current Mood
    intimidated intimidated
yeah yeah

(no subject)

today was simply wonderful.

i've failed to actually write what's going on in life. instead, all i've written is little one-five sentence entries that somewhat thought-provoking...but not really.

kaitlyn's life thus far: (in which i'm anticipating this to be a long entry.)
  • when i thought that i was going to turn myself around this past semester, i didn't, not fully anyway. i ended up doing poorly in my classes again and i have to retake a course. i can't keep doing so bad in class. it's money down the drain. money that i don't have. i thought majoring in graphic design was going to be so much better. and it is, in some ways. since i'm technically an art major, with graphic design emphasis these prereq courses for art. like, drawing, 2D design, 3D design, etc. i loved 2D design. doing art in photoshop and illustrator and working with photography were things i enjoyed learning about and doing. and i was pretty good at it. but when it came to 3D, i just didn't understand. i get so freaked out and scared about asking for help that i end up not asking and it kills me. i have to retake 3D next semester. it's with a different hopefully that will work to my advantage.
  • another thing i've been thinking about recently is if college is actually right for me. i still don't know the answer to that question. but for now, i'm sticking with it.
  • i have a really awesome guy named andrew, which happens to be the name of my brother, but whatever. this boy is so amazing. all those entries about boys i've dated in the past? andrew blow them all out of the water. i could go on and on about how delightful and remarkable he is (i probably will in the future) but for now, i just love him. the best part is, that we got into an argument/fight the other night. and he didn't break up with me because it was too hard. we worked it out and talked. and we are fine now. he is much clingier than boyfriends past. it was a weird transition to go from alex, who i only saw for a day an a half last summer and a few times a week during the school year, to andrew, who i see practically every day at school and almost once a week this summer. i like it for the most part. and he understands that sometimes i need my space. which is why i like this summer.
  • i really want to get into html and web design here soon. i want to use my web design and graphic design together. i would adore doing photography as well. but until i get a new camera, those dreams are still far away.
  •  i've changed a lot this semester. for the better. lovely miss sarah holman invited me to the wesley one night with her and i've loved it there ever since. i don't go to parties anymore or partake in any festivities that go on at said parties. i one don't have time or money for that stuff nor do i feel the need or desire to do it anymore. my roommate caitlin ended up calling me a bitch and defriended me on facebook (real mature, i know).

    i hate where i'm living. my roommates smoke pot in the house, have parties constantly, don't do their dishes or clean up the main living area after themselves. and the fact that i've never disliked anyone as much as i dislike caitlin, i just need to get away from the house. but unfortunately, i am on the lease for another year and i cannot get out of it. my hopes are that i will find someone to sublease for me in the spring and i can just live on campus again for a semester. i would really be okay with that.

  • speaking of the house, i'm currently staying there in charleston this summer. i'm working at panther dining and taking a drawing class. both suck. i really would rather be staying in my lovely home in mahomet with my family. i don't hate it so much, but this is probably one of the crappiest summers i've had in a while.
  • some days end up being terrible for me. to the point where i just hate myself and all that good stuff. i probably need to see a counselor. my friend heath and i were talking and he said it sounded like i have depression. and i'm scared that whatever is going on with me is actually depression. 
  • i like making lists.
  • my hair is starting to finally get long. and i like it.
and hi. this is me as of late.