my room is messy
i have to work on some contour line drawings
i wish i could actually draw
and andrew has left. to go back to lincoln and leaving me with the memory of the best three days ever.
i want to spend forever with him
he looked over me and asked what was wrong.
his loving eyes full of emotion looked down on my sprawled out body on the bed.
the only sound that was heard between the both of us was the roaring of the floor fan meant to keep us cold. comfortable.
no one else could hear what i heard. my screaming mind.
all i could tell him was that i'm fine, don't worry about me.
"kaitlyn, you're not yourself. you've been sad. what's wrong?"
i hesitated. "i'm fine."
"i'm okay, don't worry about me," i said more quickly than i should, although, it was probably not as convincing as i hoped.
he looked at me ever so painfully, a one last look, and walked out.
he didn't say good night or i love you.
i couldn't muster the words to him, "i hate myself. i hate who i am. i think i might be depressed."
and as i fell asleep, tears rolled down my face and i whispered to myself, "there you go, ruining a good thing again."
lately i've been asking myself if college is really right for me...
i love doing graphic design...but sometimes i just don't know.
this thought keeps going through my head that maybe i should take a year off from eastern and get a full time job...college is getting expensive and i'm frankly not doing that well in classes. i feel myself becoming sad all the time and while talking to my friend heath a few weeks ago he said it sounded like i was depressed, which scares the living daylights out of me.
i'm smart...just. i don't like where i am right now.
i don't know what my options are. i'm so confused with life.
dear lord, what is your will for me? what am i supposed to be doing?
and if i drop out/take some time off from school...is that giving up?
i'm worried because if i can't even love myself, how am i supposed to love anyone else?
i don't think anyone realizes that for a while now, after my parents drop me off at charleston, i cry when they leave.
sweet jesus, i can make rent this month!
i'm choosing a new mood theme.
i can either have jurassic park, teen girl squad or the office.
i have no idea which one i'm going to choose.
if i can do one thing each week to improve my life...then maybe slowly but surely, my life will get better.
this week...get 8 hours of sleep each night. and a 20 minute nap each day.
and also, drink water when i wake up and before meals.
maybe that will curb my hunger.
plus i need to drink more water anyways.
in other news, i can almost sit cross legged again...with the exception that the bruises are so bad on the back of my knee that it would hurt to do so. but maybe my knee will be all right.
honestly, i like the attention i get from it. but it's only gratifying for a short time.
tomorrow i get to see my beloved. we are driving up to clinton to have lunch with his family. oh happy day.
i don't want to go back to charleston. i want to stay in mahomet all summer long.