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[ website | it's sorta like life... ]
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things that are on my mind [30 May 2010|12:43am]
[ mood | complacent ]

  • i don't like myself. physically and mentally. i don't want to change, i just am longing to be a better me.
  • i miss my boy. sometimes, i wish the world could just be the two of us.
  • i hate that i have to live in 2002 12th street again this next year. i honestly think that my living situation this past year made me want to get away from theatre.
  • i know i can do better
  • i forgot that i had your facebook status updates sent to my phone. my heart wrenches a little bit when i see your name there. you never really cared that much, did you?
  • i love this house. the familiar smell. the familiar noises. everything.
  • i don't want to grow up. i think i have peter pan syndrome.
  • i wish i was staying in mahomet this summer instead of charleston.
  • i should have taken time to stop at that crosswalk to make sure the girl wasn't going to turn on red. then, my knee wouldn't be screwed up.
  • i need to form better habits.
  • sufjan stevens is everything i love about music.
  • i constantly wonder why i am always tired.
  • i really do believe something is wrong with me.
  • i love how much andrew really loves me. this man is so special to me. and he can almost see the real me. almost.
  • is it weird to say that i believe he is the one? i find myself having no doubts about him. i'm not settling. not like i did with alex.
  • i am constantly trying to organise my life. it never is organised.
  • i've always liked list.
  • can i really improve this summer? or will it be like every other time? 
  • i like that i have jesus. yes, jesus loves me.
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[11 May 2010|03:55pm]
maybe there is something wrong with me and i just won't admit it.
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[11 Apr 2010|08:38pm]
[ mood | happy ]

this morning, sarah, her andrew, my andrew and i went to this different kind of church called salisbury. non denominational and quite contemporary. i liked it. it wasn't bad or anything, and the message was really great.
whenever i'm in a new setting, i always look around me and try and view the people who i'll be spending the next hour, few minutes or whatever length amount of time with. as i was surveying the crowd, i saw a father with his young daughter (or so i assumed that was the relationship of these two people). now i'm not sure if she had a mental disorder or not, but as i studied the two of them, it seemed that she had something. as we were clapping along to music, he would encourage her to clap along with and then he would turn and smile to her. the smile that he gave her was so loving and had so much care behind it. he gave her a hug and turned back to sing. she tapped him on the side and gave him the most genuine hug.
the love that was between this two was so remarkable.

i think that incident will be one that will forever be embedded into my memory.

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[30 Mar 2010|09:48am]
[ mood | complacent ]

i've needed more than a week. i need months.

i miss those poetic words that used to flow so freely from my mind.
there are times where i'll have a line there, a few words here and a verse that i'm running towards on the other side of the room.

i keep telling myself to get organized...and then, i don't.
things are so much easier when i'm organized.
maybe it's because i procrastinate too much.
next week.

in other news, two most wonderful things have happened to me in my life.
one. God.
i have been missing him so much. that strong and wonderful relationship i used to have with him had been gone.
i threw it away along with my values and beliefs.
i let myself fall and i had forgot to turn to the lord when i needed him most.
sarah brought me to church with her for dinner one night. and i had found the community i had so longed for.
all i needed was for someone to say, "hey, come to church with me."

two. wonderful Andrew.
he is the most wonderful boy ever.
he treats me ten times better than alex ever did. he is so loving, caring, attentive, and he wants to be with me. on the plus, we grow stronger in our relationship with God each day.
i've never been more in love with someone.
the most wonderful thing is that we are still learning so much about each other and we are always laughing and smiling.

we just got our washer fixed.
i need to wash my work clothes.

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[10 Mar 2010|10:06am]
give me a week, okay?
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[09 Mar 2010|02:26am]
i've been vegetarian for a whole week now.

i win.
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where did you come from, where did you go? [28 Feb 2010|08:07pm]
[ mood | moody ]

i'll never stop being confused i think.
i'm looking.
for what?

this week i will love myself.
i'm getting rid of all the extra in my life. i'm being proactive about whatever i can be.
i can do this.
i can.
i gotta start doing.

2 comments|post comment

a letter to myself [17 Feb 2010|11:02am]

dear kaitlyn,
where have you gone?
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senisble heart. [16 Feb 2010|11:45pm]

for some reason, i think that no matter how old i get, i'll always enjoy spongebob.

things that are recent:
i rearranged my room. sometimes you just need changed.

i broke up with kyle. right now being in a relationship scares the shit out of me.
steven told me that i'm a beautiful woman and i would look wonderful in a wedding dress. that also scares me.

i'm having lunch with alex on friday. i caved on saturday and texted him.

i'm sick.

my roommates are fighting. not cool

i dyed my hair purple. refer to this to take a gander.

i'm getting my nose pierced on the 28th.

i feel unclear. and i'm pretty sure that doesn't make any sense. but i'm okay with that.

other thoughts that are recent.
but have also been floating in my head for some time:

i feel like i'm forgettable.
who really remembers me? what impact have i really made? it's that silly question that i would ask myself when i was completely depressed in jr. high, "would anyone care if i died?". i'm not suffering from depression, and i know that people would care. but, how many? i think that lately i'm finding out who is really my friend and who really cares. and do i really care? i've become so passive and apathetic lately.
i also question everything i'm saying. "was that weird?" "do people think i'm weird?" "am i annoying?" "how is my body language? is it in the least awkward position?" "am i being awkward?" "is anyone really listening?" "is my laugh weird?" "what are they thinking about me?"
i've become so worried about what people are thinking about me that i've lost the art of being me.

on that note, i'm not even following my own advice. if you fake being confident, you eventually will be.
that biggest piece of advice that i tell really anyone has become lost to me. i forgot to not give a fuck. i forgot that if no one can accept me for me, then they aren't worth my time.

sometimes when i'm walking, i come up with poems in my head.
i always forget to write them down.
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[13 Feb 2010|02:02am]
i just remembered the date.

i don't want to talk to any boys today.
my heart just misses alex now.

why do i keep doing this to myself?
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all in my head? [10 Feb 2010|10:52pm]
[ mood | blank ]

i feel so emotional and so emotion-less at the same time.


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[07 Feb 2010|11:05am]

tee hehe, i love the office.
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this will be a better year. [04 Feb 2010|05:02pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

today has given me no reason to complain yet.
i've turned in a project for both my 2D and my 3D class. each turned out pretty well.
i feel like i'm so much more in love with this major than i ever was with theatre.
my feelings for what i'm doing feels so raw and real. i'm learning how to cut properly with an x-acto knife, how to glue bristol board to foam core, how to make line, circles and curves in illustrator. i'm learning all this stuff i've honestly been yearning to learn. i feel excited about going to class, about reading for art history, about finishing a project.
this feeling is so renewing.
i know i'll never be the greatest at this. and i'm not going to strive to be the greatest. because that's what i did with theatre. i strived to be the adsm, to be the most organized at it, to be better than everyone else.
i just wanna be the best me. not better than everyone else, but just a better me.

my heart is going through so many emotions each day.
steven told the sweetest and most romantic thing last night. it made my heart melt and my eyes, mouth and face just kept smiling as i went into dream land.
but just everything that is happen almost feels like too much. at least too much for me to handle.
sometimes writing "ad;lfkjaewo;ijr;lzskdvja;lewijrf;djszfL:KJfSLDFK" explains exactly how i feel.

i really need to pee, but the maintenance guys are replacing our water heater, so i guess i'll just have to wait.
plus i'm in pajama pants, and i don't feel like strutting my stuff around them.

i'm so different than who i used to be.
i'm slowly learning how not to take people's shit anymore.
it feels good to stand up for yourself.

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[29 Jan 2010|12:57am]
my relief panel composition project:)

three dee. Collapse )
2 comments|post comment

cause i don't want to walk to doudna yet. [24 Jan 2010|10:44am]
entertainment. Collapse )
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[18 Jan 2010|02:53pm]

i like being able to see
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because i miss doing surveys. [15 Jan 2010|11:38am]
[ mood | calm ]

i swear. Collapse )

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heeeeeart. [13 Jan 2010|09:00pm]
[ mood | conflicted ]

i've just realized that my heart is in four different directions.
and the only place i truly want it to be kept is in chicago.
while the logical one is for it to be kept here.
but the other here will always have my heart, whether he realizes it or not.
and the one that will constantly wrench my heart is in vermont.

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ocean waves. [11 Jan 2010|04:59pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

as first day of classes go, today was one of the best that i can remember.

things that made today a wonderful first day:
1. getting all the paperwork turned in so that i can officially call myself an art graphic design major.
2. filling out my paperwork for panther catering
3. getting to all my classes on time
4. FINDING all my classes
5. getting up before my alarm
6. coming home and finding my secret santa gift waiting for me in the mail box
7. feeling at peace

i'm taking speech this semester (as if i don't know how to give a speech...especially when i did speech competition...geeze). my teacher is a riot. i swear. i could write a book on her.
and the fact that her name is muriel just cracks me up.
at first i thought i was going to dread speech...but in all honesty, i think i'll end up enjoying it. all because of muriel.
"it's not that i don't like charleston. it's that i like other places better."

i'm feeling good. it's a feeling i haven't felt in a long time. and i like it.

i'm just yearning to learn. i haven't been this interested in school in i don't know how long.

i've heard it said that beginner's minds are the most wonderful .
and i think i truly believe that statement now.

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[11 Jan 2010|11:03am]

look at me.
i'm an artsy fartsy art student.
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